The Undead Smart Set

Greetings, all.  I’m honored you could make it.  I think today’s column will be of interest to most of my readers, but first things first: after some discussion and dismemberment, it has been decreed that my little column will be appearing on WordPress and on Daverana.com once every two weeks.  While I understand that this is a hardship for those of you who truly need guidance as to how to interact with your fellows, there is no need to fret – being undead gives you all of eternity to polish.  In the meantime, the off weeks will be catered to by my fellow columnist, The Old Monster.  While I can’t condone or approve of anything the Monster says or thinks, even I haave to admit that the column does seem to be popular among some of the less discerning undead.  I hear there’s even some mortals reading it.  Oh, well, there’s no accounting for taste.  Or lack thereof.

Speaking of taste, today’s column deals with a subject that is, or at least should be, a constant concern for anyone who wishes to make a hit on the undead social circuit.  I refer, of course, to the selection and decoration of one’s living quarters.

While it is evident that economic concerns might limit the options available, it is also true that most of the undead can have low risk access to other people’s money, especially if you eat the bodies afterwards. 

The way I see it, there are essentially two ways to go on the decoration front this decade: Sophisticated or Rustic.  Both can be made to send the message “I’m undead, and therefore mortals should be frightened of entering my lair”, but both face specific challenges in order to avoid falling into a mixed hodgepodge.

Sophisticated, of course, is the classic way to go.  This is de riguer when choosing property in the chic parts of town, or if you are lucky enough to fall into a chateu somewhere.  Vampires tend to be very good at Sophisticated styles.  The trick here is to avoid any furnishings produced after about 1900 or so.  Heavy drapes -preferably in the darker crimson shades – and dark upholstery are a great counterpoint to moodily lit renaissance artwork depicting some great atrocity or another.  Please remember that it is a social gaffe to have any Christian imagery or crucifixes among the décor – your vampire guests will be discomfited by it.  Mysterious Indian, Vodoo or African figurines, if made of dark poished wood, often add to the effect, and I recommend them heartily – the cognoscenti among your guests willl appreciate it.

Common mistakes in this style generally come from cutting corners.  Nothing ruins a sense of dread quite as quickly as adding anything sold by Ikea, or anything solar yellow.  Modern equipment such as plasma screens or ipods may be present, but only in the bedrooms, never in the areas seen by your general guests (we assume that anyone who gets as far as the bedroom is never going to leave, at least not while still alive).  Excesive lighting is also a no-no.  And while there is an ongoing debate about the advisability of allowing dust and cobwebs, take it from me, it won’t get you any points from those you truly want to impress.  Finally, for the more entertaining parties, I recommend keeping plastic sheeting in an easily accessible closet in order to cover the upholstery - blood stains are a bear to remove, especially once they dry.

The Rustic style is suitable for those country seats that aren’t chateaus.  I’m talking about the typical run-down old house at the end of a rural or suburban street, generally referred to as “the old Stevens place.  Nobody goes there anymore, because the family was all found dead, hanging from the rafters.”  When dealing with rustic, it is always better to cultivate the dust and spiders – the idea here is to send the message that the house should be deserted, but everyone knows it isn’t.  Furniture is typically sturdy and wooden, and there must be a shed or garage filled with a veritable arsenal of sharpened farm or gardening implements, which, despite the dust, must always have a serviceable edge.  Chainsaws must always start on the first pull, and basements should have no working lights.

Common mistakes in this style arise from the need to live here.  While it is acceptable to have one room with modern amenities hidden somewhere no one will ever see, it is not OK to clean the windows, have pretty little pillows on the couches or own a tabby cat with a pink collar and a bell (horribly disfigured black tomcats that hiss and spit dementedly and attack anything that moves are acceptable).  Another thing that willl immediately alert the knowledgable is if you mix styles.  Seventies kitsh and a twenties rocker do not – and can never - go together. Actually, if you want a whole list of ways to turn terrifying into tacky, just drop in on the Old Monster.

In either style, it is important to have at least a pair of large, well-refrigerated storage closets in which to keep the bodies until you are done with them.

Hope this was of use, and now go throw out that ole Hello Kitty clock on the mantelpiece – you, too can actually impress your visitors and terrify those mortals who don’t yet know that they’re the main course.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Hieronymous