They bark, Sancho…
Greetings, esteemed readers.
I’d like to thank my colleague in the abattoir for the opportunity to express myself on a subject that has long been near and dear to me: the mortal insult. Don’t get me wrong, the Monster and I go waaaaay back, and she’d have to step much further over the line to get me overly angry. Plus, I live in Manhattan, the only place on the planet where “screw you” has replaced “hello”. So I’m not mad, just inspired.
But back to the main topic. Looking over the Monster’s last post, I must admit that there’s a certain measure of crude effectiveness in the words, but – and this is important, so pay attention – they were obviously written in the heat of the moment. This is just wrong.
In order to be truly effective, an insult must be delivered after careful consideration and days, in some cases even weeks, of preparation. It is an art that needs to be studied carefully. How much will you actually say, and what will you leave to open interpretation? Who needs to be present when the insult is delivered? How can you deliver the insult without looking crass? Remember, the insult must not only diminish the opponent, it must also make the insulter look good. It’s no use calling someone a rude name, no matter how accurate, if everyone else present thinks less of you for doing so. And, the final moral dilemma: how much of the dirt that you have on your opponent should be included? You might have to hold something back for later use.
Last, but not least, the insult must make the other person or ghoul so incoherent with rage that he or she can’t reply in kind, but must either remain silent or say something which, in the eyes of witnesses, will diminish them further. You need to hit them where it hurts.
For example, were I to wish to respond to the monster’s post, I’d probably say: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d visit you so we can talk it over, but it takes ages to get the dust out of my clothes afterwards”, or “I need some advice, I noticed you’ve got green and orange curtains in the living room. Have you found that they increase the victim’s pain? Or do you use them to make your victims welcome death as an better alternative?”
This last line should be delivered, with a look of complete, innocent earnestness at the yearly gala with at least one member of Transylvanian royalty present.
Anyhow, if you’re moving in the right circles, you will be exposed to this kind of thing on a regular basis, and you need to know how to hold your own. Think, beforehand, of one deadly insult to be delivered to each of your acquaintances at any given social event. Memorize them. Refine them. And be ready to deliver them at the slightest provocation – especially if they launch a preemptive attack. Good luck, dear readers, make me proud.
And there are extra brownie points for anyone who understood why I selected the title for this post.
See you soon,
Baron Hieronymous
