The Undead Economist
Much of the mainstream media these past couple of months has focused on the worldwide financial crisis. In their typical way, they seem to have completely ignored the effects of this crisis on the undead. They didn’t run a single item on vampires with mortgages, ghouls with maxed-out credit cards or zombies who had had to adopt a different health plan due to the rising cost of duct tape.
This is enormously shortsighted of them because the only thing that we know for sure about mortals is that, one day, they’ll be dead. That’s why we call them mortals in the first place. And many of these newly dead mortals will find themselves unexpectedly animate.
So how is this financial crunch going to affect us, the living dead? Well, in the first place, the Old Monster isn’t going to be able to use many of the credit cards she takes from her victims. She normally grabs people who are walking in her neighborhood, and anyone who’d willingly show their faces around there is probably ineligible for credit in the current economic climate. She can still steal their change, though.
But how will it affect those of us with Park Avenue penthouses or chateaus in the French countryside (the readers I actually care about)?
To tell you the truth, I don’t think it will affect us all that much. I remember back in the 1930s, I didn’t get hit too hard. Of course, the price of gold actually went UP when the world went off the gold standard, and my Spanish bullion seems to have done well since then.
The newer undead may not know this, but gold is the best investment for our kind. You don’t need to go for high returns when you have all of eternity to accumulate, and low return equals low risk. As for those of you who put your money in Wall Street… well, that’s what you get for bucking tradition. Have fun recovering investmensts from Bear Stearns! Even the Old Monster is smarter than that…
As for the rest of you, winter party at my place Friday. I’ve got a couple of mailmen and a laundry delivery woman chained to the balcony railing, and a couple of Jane Does from the morgue in the fridge (ghouls have to eat as well!).
Attire is full evening wear, and anyone who doesn’t arrive in a chauffered Rolls will be pressed into service as a waiter.
Toots!
H
