Making do
Greetings,
So the global economy has melted down? Well, I hate to tell you this, but it’s not the first time this has happened. Many of you (at least most of my undead acquaintances) will remember the big crunch in ‘29, but even that one wasn’t really all that bad. People standing in line at soup kitchens might seem atrocious in light of modern civilization and comfort, but it wasn’t always so. There was a time when economic hardship in even the most civilized places meant great hairy men wandering the streets with battle-axes. And welfare, far from being a state benefit, was something each individual was responsible for.
Having been present during previous economic dips – lttle things like the Potato Famine, the Dark Ages and the fall of Rome – I feel I can impart some wisdom in case the recovery that seems imminent doesn’t quite work out. Please heed my experience, as I value my readers (even my mortal readers) and my technorati rating, and the scenarios I list below are easy to survive if you come prepared for them. They will also help you avoid the more common types of social faux-pas in a post-apocalyptic world.
1) Economy affects law enforcement, cops are laid off. Zombies see the chance and rise.
In this scenario, it is critically important that one not forget certain points of etiquette. Zombies deplore being attacked with shotguns. It ventilates their insides and exposes parts of their anatomy that were meant to be covered by skin. There are much better ways to deal with zombies, and the best of them is to find someone whose consumption by the undead would make the world a better place. For example, there is always at least one guy in the group with long sideburns or a woman who insists on wearing shoes that don’t math her purse. Toss them to the zombies with my compliments.
2) Unemployment in Denmark causes most of their population to board longships and go a-Viking.
This scenario is probably the easiest to deal with. When you see the horde approaching, simply swing the stockade gate open and have your snootiest waiter meet them at the gate, say something like “Ericsson, party of seventy-five?” and escort them to a long table set for a full formal dinner. They will not know which fork or glass goes with each course, and will be too embarassed to ask. In the end, they will slink back to their smelly ships, after overtipping the waiter.
3) Hunger in Canada causes a Yeti invasion.
The correct weapon for dealing with a Yeti is the Japanese Katana. It gives sufficient reach while being adequately ceremonial. It also explains why there are no Yetis in Japan. Please don’t embarrass yourself by using the wrong blade. I trust that none of my readers would even consider something as crass as a firearm.
4) Russian infrastructure colapses and caviar runs out.
Despair. There is no possible cure for this, and we are all doomed to a life of unwashed barbarians ruling the world.
And remember, anything can be met with an unimpressed raise of an eyebrow if you are prepared for it. The truly poised individual is unruffled in any situation.
Cheers,
H
