The Undead Smart Set

Greetings once again,

For the summer season, I have decided to forego my usual habit of ignoring current social trends and give some advice in how to deal with newer developments. 

One such change that I’ve been observing over the past few decades is a tendency for certain individuals to take an alter-ego to fight crime.  This used to be confined to certain lurid forms of pupular entertainment, and was therefore beneath notice, but it has now started to spill over into what passes for real life among mortals, as can be seen here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da1ADqPplQ4&feature=fvst and here: http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.com/world_superhero_registry_gallery.htm.

I doubt that I need to explain how this affects the undead community.  Simply stated, you have died, you have been reborn in a form that is extremely difficult to damage (let’s be honest: how many bank robbers carry wooden stakes and mallets around with them?), and the temptation to don the costume and live the mediatic life is a strong one.

So you have, quite naturally, come here seeking advice.  My first thought would be simply to say: “don’t do it! Is your dignity worth so little?”, but then, undaunted by these words of wisdom, you’d simply look elsewhere, so I’m going to bite the silver bullet and make an attempt to help you make the smallest fool of yourself as possible.

The first thing to consider when choosing an alter-ego is the name of the character.  Calling yourself Hammer-man or Astrogirl will firmly position you in the mid-fifties and immediately cause any miscreants you encouter to lose all bladder control due to laughter.  This is effenctive in curtailing their activity, of course, but bad for dignity, which is much more important.  For the noughties, a more science-oriented name will do much better.  Perhaps GeneSplice Man might be a good one (especially for zombies – bits that fall off will be considered part of the costume), or The Avenging Geek (vampire pallor is similar to that of people who spend too much time in RPG sessions).  But however you go with the name, remember to stay away from the words “Super”, “Astro”, “Hyper”, “Atomic”, and especially “Bat” (this last one goes double if you are a vampire!).

As for the costume – where nearly all superheroes stumble, and badly – I have five words for you: when in doubt, wear black.  That’s it.  No yellows, reds (especially when combined with yellow) or electric blues for you.  Black is classic, tasteful and won’t go out of style, leaving you with no option but to change color every six months.

And skin-tight is out as well.  Most undead are not what my neighbors a hundred streets up in Harlem would call “buff”, so a revealing outfit will not help you look your best.  Loose is tasteful, useful for carrying equipment without having to wear a belt that makes you look like one of those poor sods that lugs two cellphones and an PDO around, and it can be tailored to make any shape look great.

Please take these tips into consideration.  If you won’t do it for your own dignity, do it for that of the rest of the undead!

Until we meet again,

H