I only eat mutton
Greetings and salutations,
I’m often asked by my mortal friends (and yes, I do have friends that are mortal, and we’ll get to that in a moment) whether I ever feel guilty about eating intelligent beings. While this is a question I’d recommend that you never ask of one of the undead, especially one that you’ve learned enjoys the taste of your particular species, it does have an answer in my case.
You see, I don’t actually eat humans. I eat only sheep, albeit sheep that are genetically identical to homo sapiens sapiens. Yes, when I tell the people who ask the questions this, they also give me a blank stare and think about padded rooms, so I’ll explain further.
You see, most of the people on the street, and in the cars, and in the living rooms wiith the TV turned on (especially this last group), aren’t really intelligent in any true sense of the word. An intelligent creature – whether mortal or undead - is characterized by its ability and willingness to observe the world around it, analyze it critically and come to independent conclusions. That is the only real test of intelligence.
Now I ask you to do the first of these things: observe the world around you. Would you really say that the bulk of humanity is behaving this way? Let’s have a look at the way they act.
Most people (as measured by independent observers), watch TV at night when they get home. What do they watch? Well, if there’s a reality show of some kind on, they’ll watch that. A one-hour drama might be their next choice, while comedy comes in third (although they seem to prefer watered down sitcoms that don’t satirize things overmuch. Satire and irony require brain cells). Even the channels that used to air documentaries are now focusing on reality shows.
Why do they act this way? Well, perhaps part of it is to avoid using their brain, but I actually think it’s mainly due to the fact that everyone else does it.
Marketers are well aware of the nonthinking nature of the general public, of course. They know that, given a little information and told that something will make them more attractive, consumers will flock to their product in droves. This is why there are still large numbers of commercials on TV, despite the fact that no one wants to watch a commercial. The truth is that marketers, who on the on the whole are not stupid, have data that shows that advertising works. People will pay huge sums of money for something they don’t need, just to belong to a group that didn’t even exist before the commercial. A decent ad campaign can convince folks of anything.
But it goes deeper than consumption patterns. The way society is constructed seems to be pushing people into less and less critical thinking. In my day, when you wanted to make a living, you put together a band of peasants and invaded the village in the next valley. Now, you work for years at a job you hate, because that’s the responsible thing to do. Of course, even calling peopel ‘peasants’ can get you in trouble nowadays, as I found out at a restaurant last week. I had to ambush the entire staff afterwards and eat them just to feel better about myself. Social pressure has made individuality seem like a bad thing – while commercials celebrate it every day! The irony is delightful, but I’d hate to be alive right now.
It used to be that the world of publishing was immune, in a certain measure, to this kind of thing. Books cater to consumers who read by choice, and so, in general terms, are about a hundred times more intelligent than the average TV audience. However, lately, I’ve been seeing some disturbing trends here, as well. Even the small houses, the ones that have to take risks to compete against the bland uniformity of the big houses. I’ve been hearing things like: “oh, yes, that story or novel… It was funny as hell, but a bit insensitive.” Humor is always insensitive and cruel, if you want PC, join Time Warner or something. The fact that Daverana is willing to go out on a limb is one of the main reasons I have acceeded to being their lifestyle columnist (well, that and the fact that one can’t let the Old Monster dictate what people think – the world would go to hell in a handbasket).
As we see, most people are motivated in their actions by the need to fit in, the need to use their brain as little as possible and an instinctual knowledge of what is right and what is wrong in society. Some of you might be shaking your heads at this point, saying that this kind of activity is reprehensible, but I beg you not to. It is perfectly all right to act this way. There are plenty of creatures, part of an absolutely respectable flock, that act this way all the time. They are a delight to have around, and make this world a better place.
They are called sheep.
And my answer to the above question is invariably: “I only eat mutton.”
Those of you who aren’t fit for my table wiill be easily able to read between the lines and know what the advice is for today’s column. I advise the rest of you to bathe in barbecue sauce and smack yourselves with meat tenderizers. It’ll save time in the long run.
Until we meet again,
H.
