The Undead Smart Set

Greetings, or, as my neighbors a hundred streets up would have you say, “yo!” Welcome to The Undead Smart Set. I hope you’ll join me as we travel to the far corners of the world looking into the better travel locations, gastronomic possibilities and literature of worlds both old and new. I will, of course, focus on the undead and supernatural friendliness of the chosen locales, as well as the suitability of discussion in polite company. I might even, if invited to the manager’s box, be reviewing a play. I hear there’s one about a witch that is currently a big hit, but one must, of course, avoid the rabble.

So, where to begin? Well, there is, really, only one place possible, and that is the spiritual home of the undead – England. Whilst I have to admit to having been tempted by the old eastern European stomping grounds most of my friends used to haunt, I was put off by the throngs of undead doing the Dracula castle tour thing. As the unspeakably crass yet brilliant Berra once said, “Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.”

England, despite being discovered by the in set a bit later has just as much tradition as the Balkans. The wights among us, after all, didn’t just spring up out of nowhere. No, they were born of unspeakable acts out on the moors.

Once in England, avoid London like a crucifix. There are too many of the more popular ghosts there, at least one Templar chapel and Clark Gable, whom we all know is now a vampire, also lives there. Aaargh! Can you spell “tourist trap”?

No, the trick is to leave Gatwick and have your driver take you to Borley, a delightfully dreary little village in the Essex countryside, near the Suffolk border. Despite its tiny size, this little-known place has much to recommend it, since evil deeds have bloodied its soil since at least the thirteenth century.

On leaving your car, you will immediately feel yourself braced by the negative energy in the air. What you are feeling is simply the belief of the resident mortals that this is the most haunted place in the world. They have no idea what they’re talking about, of course, but the energy it creates is a beautiful thing.

The reason they believe all this is because of one single building – a medieval monastery that eventually became the Borley Rectory, a name most of you will have heard.

The story of the monastery is an inspiring one – a monk and a young novice fall in love, plan to elope and are caught. Please remember that, in the thirteenth century, the church still knew how to be pure evil. The monk, of course, was hanged, and the novice walled up – alive – inside the monastery. The first thing a visitor to Borley needs to do is to look up the monk, one of the world’s most important ghosts, and criminally overlooked. Sadly, he isn’t much of a conversationalist, as he only speaks a little modern English, and he was also driven mad when the bones of the novice were discovered a few years ago and she was given a Christian burial, ending her run as his companion.

Centuries later, a rectory was built on the site of the monastery, but despite being twice-consecrated, the ghosts stuck around, and the succession of parson’s families that lived there were tormented by a flurry of paranormal activity. Manifestations, ghostly writing and an unexplained fire were some of the highlights. Teams of mortal investigators have studied the place more than once, and the seminal guide is probably Harry Price’s The Most Haunted House in England.

The house itself was torn down in 1944, but the energy and the monk are still present, and make the site worth a trip. It is surrounded only by a lowish wall, and security is very lax, especially after midnight.

Borley is a great place for a good vibe – all the undead you will encounter will be well-read and articulate. The refreshing negative energy is unmatched, save at truly evil places such as Verdun or, possibly, old Sodom.

As for the food, well, if you eat human food, you’re basically in a bit of a spot, since the fare is mostly English cuisine – the worst on the old continent. If, however, you’re a traditionalist, you’re in for a treat. Mortals of many creeds and races flock to this tiny hamlet, drawn by the hauntings, so you can have anything you like – from a high-calorie Yank to fish-fed Oriental fare. And, the place is extremely undead-friendly. The kind of people you’re likely to encounter walking the streets of Borley at night are of the type considered a bit weird by other mortals, and their disappearance is unlikely to generate comment or even notice until you are safely miles away. No pitchfork and torch wielding rabble for my readers!

Finally, a word on nearby attractions. Borley is a short drive from the North sea, where you can spend an evening taunting the spirits of drowned Viking sailors barred from Valhalla. Base, low-brow entertainment, perhaps, but one sometimes must endure a certain folkiness in traditional festivities. And, the north-sea taunt is as traditional as they come.

I bid you unpleasant nightmares until we meet again.

Hieronymous